Archive | January, 2012

Oh honey no.

26 Jan

It is my responsibility to help take care of the customers, making sure they’re always happy by offering them help even without them asking. Work the register, bag their groceries, carry them out to their cars, & stock the shelves.

• Being my first job, I learned to be more responsible.
• Gained confidence when the customers would compliment on the service they had received.

This kid needs some self-esteem…

24 Jan

I am a high school graduate that enjoys math and working with numbers. I follow instruction well and listen to what I am told. I work best in instances where I’ve been given a list of tasks that need completing over a set amount of time and do well at pacing myself if the workload is not too overwhelming. I am also adept at work that requires physical strength such as lifting, carrying, unloading, and moving things. My hours are generally quite flexible and I do not complain.

Education:
A small amount of education in Computer Programming at xxx. 1/2 year attended.
High School Diploma, Anamosa High School; Graduated 2005.

His mommy needs to tell him that he’s special.

Things that should never be on a resume, ever: the word “butt.”

23 Jan

Interest/Profile: Have written a nonfiction book that is just out. There are health chapters of ways to make yourself in better health . This includes much better thinking, butt slim and trim, more hair on head, more attractive, stronger and faster, and a wiser person through special nutrients, products and exercise. In effect 50%+ of the health care cost in the United States could be eliminated.

Spellcheck is your friend.

20 Jan

SUMMARY

. Dedicated Hard Working professional wifft a strong track record of developing custorner lryalty and being a team player

QUALIFICATIONS

. Exensive knowledge and experience in the customer satjstaction

WORK EXPERIENCE

2011 -2012 XXX

. Seasonal warehouse (Location)

. Opperate PDA, LPDA, Bailer, Electric pallet jacks.
. Sort and stock fresh product as it is trucked to store and stock shelves in accordance with date on product.

2011 – 2011 XXX

. Site Manager (Misspelled Location)
. Inventory control of $100.000 in equipment (one hundred dollars? Really?
. See overall operations of satelitte installation contractors (I’m glad you saw it)
. Responsible for dealing with customer complaints
. Supervise 5 employees
. Perform onsite inspections of installations
. Hiring and firing of contractors
. Perform scheduling

1994 -2007 XXX

. Owner/Operator/Contractor (Location)
. Complete New Home Construction
. Roofing
. Windows, siding, doors
. Plumbing, and Electical
. Kitchen, Bathroom remodeling

19 Jan

Vivian:
so I’ve never worked with pigs… what does “worked with swine ferrow o finsih” mean? it’s on a resume

Coworker:
not a clue

Vivian:
I do not think that it applies to an inbound customer service role, in any case

Really? If its something THAT closely associated with an industry, and you’re applying to work in a different industry, explain it.

5 Jan

Vivian, Avatar of Awesomeness: Ok, I am going to send you some forms in your email, that’ll be an I-9, a W-4, direct deposit, and so on. Please fill them out and—-
Asshat: Wait what? You’re going to mail them to me?
VAA: Again, I’m going to send them to your email and then —
Asshat: Wait.. I don’t have any emails from you
VAA: … (deep breath) … As I said, I’m *going* to email them to you and you need to fill them out and submit them back to me —
Asshat: Do I print them and bring them back in?
VAA: (pours vodka) There will be a submit button at the end where you can submit it to me electronically.
Asshat: Oh ok. So, I don’t have a computer.
VAA: (drinks) The public library has computers for your use, or the Unemployment Office also has computers you can use and people to help you fill the forms out. (thinking: or a friend’s house, or your mommy’s house, or your babymama’s house, JUST GO FIND ONE FOR FUCK’S SAKE)

One hour later…

*phone rings*
Vivian, bring on the phone already, sends the call to voicemail.
*phone rings, same number calling*
Vivian, being still on the phone, sends the call to voicemail.
*phone rings, same number calling*
Vivian, being still on the phone, sends the call to voicemail.
*phone rings, same number calling*
Vivian, having just hung up her previous call, answers.

VAA: Blah blah blah can I help you?
Asshat: Yeah uh I can’t get these forms to work.
VAA: (headdesk) I need to know what the problem is…
Asshat: the problem is that they won’t work!
VAA: Please tell me what point you are at and what error message you are getting.
Asshat: Blah blah blah
VAA: Ok, you need to do thisandsuch (being something very simple that a four-year-old could figure out).
Asshat: Oh, ok. So now it’s telling me blah blah.
VAA: I’m sorry, sir, but I’m not able to walk you through this step by step. Are you at the unemployment office where they have people specifically there to help you do this?
Asshat: No.
VAA: … D:
VAA: Please go to the unemployment office.
Asshat: Ok…

Never to be heard from again.

Welcome to my life.